Author Topic: A pair of scenes in a story  (Read 2202 times)

Darkside007

  • Global Moderator
  • Praetor
  • *****
  • Posts: 245
    • View Profile
A pair of scenes in a story
« on: October 12, 2014, 08:39:58 PM »
Non-contiguous. Need help developing

Quote
Becky left the restaurant just after a particularly brutal shift. Even after all the bullshit of the day, she was still short on tips compared to the other girls.

She sighed in the empty parking lot, “Maybe I just can't be a waitress.”

“And why is that?”

She jumped and spun around, finding a short, small man standing behind her. Despite only being five-feet tall herself, he only came to her waist.

Oh, and someone got behind her in the middle of an empty parking lot after closing. That was important too.

“Who are you? What'd you want?”

“Well, I would like an answer, of course.” He rocked back and forth on his heels.

“What?” She was feeling very confused and a little distressed by the little man.

“Why being a waitress is outside your ability?”

She blinked, “Oh. Um, I just...” Maybe answering would help get her away easily? She shrugged, “I just don't make enough money in tips.”

He nodded, “You are very pretty, but you do not milk it for tips.”

Her eyes went wide, “What'd you mean?”

He grinned and bounced on the balls of his feet, “I mean flirt, I mean tease your male customers, I mean exploit the sexuality of humans to get additional income. I mean, I believe the phrase is, 'work it'.”

Becky blushed and started stammering, “Th-that's-I-I-I-We-Well.”

He nodded “I see, you are too shy to exploit your sexiness. Well, I can help with that.”

Nervously, she took a step back, “What? How?”

“Magic, of course.”

Her nerves and the statement caused her to burst out laughing. After a minute, she managed to say, “I'm sorry, but magic isn't real. Come on.”

He glared at her, “Oh really.”

Realizing she may have accidentally pissed him off, she took another step back, “I mean, I, uh, didn't mean to make fun of you...”

“Hmph, we will have to teach you about magic so that you don't laugh at someone who would do something unfortunate.” He put his hands behind his back and nothing happened.

Becky looked at him, “...I'm gonna go now. G'bye!” She turned to leave.

“You two are probably sick of being buried in the big clunky shoes, eh?”

She turned to look back at him, “Who are you talking to?”

He was holding a pair of red stilettos, “Would you like these instead sleeker ones instead?” He set them in front of her so that she could step into them.

“Who are you talk- Hey!” Becky felt her left foot pull out of her slip-on work shoe. She tried to put her foot back into the shoe, but it slipped out and into the stiletto. Her right foot did the same thing, and when she felt her foot move naturally and smoothly, but she had no influence over it. “What did you do?”

“Magic. They will help you get attention and improve your tip capacity.”

“They?!” Her hips started shifting back and forth on their own. She grabbed her hips and tried to force them to stop, without much impact.

“Yes, I have enchanted your feet to run on their own if they want. They'll control from your waist down  to help you be more attractive and, since you laughed at my magic, they'll have some fun with you.”

“What fun? What'd you mean? Make it stop!”

“Ask them, not me!” He laughed and was gone. No smoke, no flash, no fade into shadows, no nothing, just gone.

She sighed and dropped her hands from her shifting hips and tried to turn around, but her legs wouldn't budge. “Hey, come on!”

Her hips shook from side to side and then resumed wiggling.

“...You understand me?”

Her feet rose on her toes and bounced up and down, causing her to gasp in surprise.

“Well, um, I need to go home...” She felt her face flush with the embarrassment of talking to her body.

Her legs still wouldn't move, but her hips kept going.

“Come on! It's cold, I want to go home, please?”

Her feet spun around and stepped over her work shoes as they walked to the car.

“Hey, no! Wait! I need those shoes for work! I can't just leave them here!”

They stopped and shifted her weight from one foot to the other, as if thinking. She could feel her toes wiggling on the off foot, and couldn't do anything about it. They spun around gracefully and walked back over to the thick-soled work shoes.

And bent over at the waist, putting her ass on display and eliciting a squeak out of her. She grabbed her work shoes and tried to stand up.

“Um, we can go now?”

She still couldn't stand up, and felt more than a little ridiculous stuck like that. Her left foot popped it's heel out of it's shoe.

“Please can we go?”

Standing up, her foot slipped back into her shoe and her legs walked over to her car and she went home. Driving was normal, but as soon as she stopped, her feet wouldn't budge.

“Come on, let's go inside.” She looked down at her legs. “I need to go inside, are we going to stay out here all night?”

Her left foot slipped out of her shoe again, but otherwise they didn't move.

“Damnit, move!” She slapped her thigh. “Owww”

Quote
Her feet co-operated on the way to the mall, but as soon as she stepped out of her car, they took over. Mashing down the heels of her flats, they strolled into the mall, flapping her shoes with every step. She fumed silently and occasionally glared downwards.


She was walked, of course, to one of the mall’s shoe stores. She was here to buy some slacks, but her silent pleading went ignored. Her feet walked, almost skipped really, over to the section of pumps and heels. Alone in the large, nearly empty store, she started down at her feet for a moment.


“I can’t walk in heels.”


Clearly in response, her feet kicked off her flats and started skipping, strutting and prancing up and down the aisle until she finally sputtered;


“Ok, fine, I get it. I’m not walking anyway.” She sighed as they came to a stop in front of 4” black heels.


“Oh come on.”


They wouldn’t budge from the spot - she couldn’t even turn her hips! Eventually, she caved and found a box in her size. As soon as she took them her feet turned and walked her over to one of the benches in short, mincing steps to sit her down.


Her left foot sprang up and wiggled her stocking toes before she could even get the box open. She took out the black patent stilettos and put the first shoe on. Her left foot squirmed in it a bit before setting down so that her right foot could swing up for the other shoe. Once both feet seemed happy with their positions, they stood her up and tried out the heels. After rocking back and forth, they took her on a hip-rolling stroll up and and down the aisle. She was stunned at how easy they made it. On her her, she’d be stumbling around and rolling her ankles, not her hips. After a bit, her feet came to a stop in front of another pair of heels, this time in red.

“Oh come on,” she muttered, “Those are too much.”


But once again her feet wouldn’t budge. After a few minutes of mutual stubborness she gave in and grabbed the cherry-red heels. “Fine.”


They took her back to the first box, which she collected, and started walking her to the register.


“Hey, what about my shoes?” She hissed quietly. Her feet continued to the register without showing any notice.


She put on her best smile as she was strolled up to the counter. The cashier’s look made her blush and try to stop the sway of her hips at least, to no effect. It was a very weird feeling, not being able to stop her body from doing something. It was frustrating, annoying, and a little thrilling.


The clerk returned her smile, “Hi, will that be everything for you?”


She nodded as her feet stopped just short of the counter and she put the boxes on the counter. The clerk took both boxes, rang up the red heels and opened the other box.


“Oh, I’m gonna need the tag on the shoes to ring them up.”


She wondered how she was going to handle this but, “Oh, I-”


Her foot leapt up to the counter, tag dangling from the shoe. She said nothing, and tried to hide her stunned expression, as anything she could say at this point would make her look crazy. But she wasn’t sure she wasn’t.


The clerk failed to keep her composure, jumping a bit, “Whoa, hello.” After a moment, she scanned and removed the tag. “There we go.”


Her foot wiggled and then dropped down. As she went to pay for the shoes, her feet raised themselves up on tiptoe, pressing her a bit further than she intended. “Thanks.”


The clerk smiled sincerely, “Thank you! I wish I had your boldness.”


She waved her hand and muttered something as her feet turned and headed out. Right before they left the store, still in the clerk’s line of sight, her feet kicked her hip out to the side a sharp move, and then left.

Katrice Metaluna

  • Praetor
  • ****
  • Posts: 174
  • Just your average enchanted coyote slave girl
    • View Profile
    • Katrice Metaluna
Re: A pair of scenes in a story
« Reply #1 on: October 23, 2014, 11:48:57 PM »
This is just for the first part. Sorry I can't yet think of anything good for the second part, nor can I think of any good ways of stitching them together.

I see this little gnome of a guy making a finger-quote gesture as he carefully says the words 'work it'.

And when he says "Magic, of course," I see him looking cooly and kinda smugly down at his hand while he buffs his fingernails against his sleeve. Because he's just playing with Becky, and he's just waiting for the most perfect moment to make his magical delivery, to make it all the more special. So I guess that means he's full of himself, too!

Becky saying "I'm sorry, but magic isn't real. Come on." feels too forced to me. Not in character, and she's just saying it to push the plot forward. I think it'd be more likely that she'd be more like, "Uh, right. Excuse me, I think my cat's on fire and I left something on the stove." Then turn around and whip out her phone with the intention of calling a cab or a friend or anything. She'd start getting flustered at this point. Her car blocked, bad day at work, and now THIS little joker is giving her some weird funny shit?

Of course that might be a good moment for him to try and to sweeten the deal for her, or make some small show to prove he's telling the truth. The truth about using magic anyway. Like maybe teleporting himself directly in her path, after she's turned around and walked away from him? Or else sounding more urgent, and asking for a chance to prove that magic is real. Something like that.

It would also give a better hook for him to look down at her feet as she tried to walk away from him. Taking pity on them, talking to them directly about how tired they must be in such ugly shoes and such. That would just up the crazy for her!

Quote
“Magic. They will help you get attention and improve your tip capacity.”

Too forced! I'd say something more like, "There now! Now they be right an' properly helpin' ye get the proper attention!" Also apparently I imagine him with an accent, lol.

Quote
“Yes, I have enchanted your feet to run on their own if they want. They'll control from your waist down  to help you be more attractive and, since you laughed at my magic, they'll have some fun with you.”

Too expository. I think it'd be more interesting it if were like, he frowned up at her and looked quite annoyed and said, "Ya ain't too bright are ya, lass? Yer feet, of course! They gotcha from the waist down now." Then he gestures his hand to his mouth as if whispering, and he winks and smiles and says in a more hush-hush-say-no-more tone, "Help ya have a bit-o fun if y'know what I mean?" Looking giddy and proud of himself! Might even make a funny laugh at this point, lol.
Tumblr: http://katricemetaluna.tumblr.com/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/magickalslave
Fur Affinity: http://www.furaffinity.net/user/magickalslave/

Little surprises around every corner but nothing dangerous...

Darkside007

  • Global Moderator
  • Praetor
  • *****
  • Posts: 245
    • View Profile
Re: A pair of scenes in a story
« Reply #2 on: October 24, 2014, 07:18:21 AM »
I don't really see him as a leprechaun, but other than the accent, good points.

This is exactly what this sub-forum is for. :D

Katrice Metaluna

  • Praetor
  • ****
  • Posts: 174
  • Just your average enchanted coyote slave girl
    • View Profile
    • Katrice Metaluna
Re: A pair of scenes in a story
« Reply #3 on: October 24, 2014, 03:01:24 PM »
So he's a lecherous trickster wizard with an altruistic streak? Depending on how you define "altruistic" anyways!

Perhaps he visited that restaurant earlier that day and Becky was a little short with him. Perhaps he was already acting like a laughing joking creeper and she was already too tired and burned out to even rightly deal with it. So it'd be like...

"You remember me don't you?"

It'd take her a moment to think about it, and she'd narrow her eyes at him as she remembered. "You're that guy from a few hours ago."

Would intensify her encounter with him in the parking lot. Maybe he even looks like a bum. Someone she doesn't even want to deal with in any way. Little would she know at that time that he's the gatekeeper to a new and more exciting world for her!

But I dunno. I will think about this more later.
« Last Edit: October 24, 2014, 03:03:01 PM by magickalslave »
Tumblr: http://katricemetaluna.tumblr.com/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/magickalslave
Fur Affinity: http://www.furaffinity.net/user/magickalslave/

Little surprises around every corner but nothing dangerous...

Darkside007

  • Global Moderator
  • Praetor
  • *****
  • Posts: 245
    • View Profile
Re: A pair of scenes in a story
« Reply #4 on: October 24, 2014, 05:59:50 PM »
I actually want him disconnected, out of place, and unexplained. As Covetous Shen says, "The truth is never as interesting as wild speculation."

Katrice Metaluna

  • Praetor
  • ****
  • Posts: 174
  • Just your average enchanted coyote slave girl
    • View Profile
    • Katrice Metaluna
Re: A pair of scenes in a story
« Reply #5 on: October 24, 2014, 06:04:38 PM »
Oh. Well just make sure not to turn him into some kinky Tom Bombadil, haha.
Tumblr: http://katricemetaluna.tumblr.com/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/magickalslave
Fur Affinity: http://www.furaffinity.net/user/magickalslave/

Little surprises around every corner but nothing dangerous...

Darkside007

  • Global Moderator
  • Praetor
  • *****
  • Posts: 245
    • View Profile
Re: A pair of scenes in a story
« Reply #6 on: October 24, 2014, 07:08:05 PM »
Hahahahahaha no. Nobody can be Tom Bombadil.