Author Topic: An Apology  (Read 266 times)

Vestiphile

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An Apology
« on: August 26, 2018, 02:20:18 PM »
A dozen years ago I started my own blog filled with fiction that was inspired, in a great part, by things I'd seen written by people like Misterdoe, Shveek, and TMZCor.
A decade ago I stated working at a tech center that ran its own private server, and Adult.CollapsingFiction.com was born.
At some point RootsOfJustice and I began talking, comparing writing, and he helped spur some things forward with hours of discussion.
Then I found Darkside through a comment on a story with a similar flavor to my stuff, and roped him into commenting on my story.
And then got really offended that he didn't like it, and then changed and grew as a writer over an endless cycle of these mostly-friendly clashes.

And then I built another site. And Another.
And then I started drawing, splitting my practice time in half.

Before long, I wasn't writing at all.
And then I made a lot of promises and gave a lot of good speeches about what I was "going to do".
And then a few years passed, with nearly all of you encouraging me to return every step of the way.

There's a behavior in me that a lot of you have experienced--either directly through talking to me enough, or through visiting my sites or my gallery pages--that needed to stop happening a long, long time ago when I was supposed to become an adult: I throw nuclear tantrums.

Not all the time, sure.
I can be super fun to be around virtually, as some of you know.

But when I'm not fun to be around, I'm downright MEAN. Abusive. I would usually chalk it up on my side to simply appearing a little aloof or a little fatalistic, but it's really more than that. I'm taking a publisher/reader, artist/fan, or friend/friend relationship and shitting on it every time I bring my bad mood to the table. With the first two relationships, it's unprofessional at best and manipulative at worst when I mope around about production without bringing the production. With my friends, I don't want to say it's not okay for me to be in a bad mood once in a while, but when I'm closer to people, I'm usually comfortable enough with them to display an even greater share of melodramatic rage--which is more than unfair.

It gets abusive.

I've personally destroyed this community, if it still is one, in so many more ways than I've built it in the last three years. For that, I'm sorry.
I've subjected my fans, the fans of our other contributors, and my more inner digital circle to my mood swings and my self-destructive insecurities. For that, I'm sorry.

For many of you, this is not the first time you've seen this, and that's embarrassing to me in a way that doesn't make me angry with myself anymore--I'm just sad. I'm far too old to act so childish so often, and I know it's fucked a good share of opportunities I've had in my life. Despite this, I've also been fortunate enough to be around generous and forgiving people that have booted me forward, onward, and through a pretty awesome life every time I was willing to stop bawling on the ground again.

But y'all also shouldn't have to do that, and I'm sorry for those I've leaned on for it--and appreciative for the slap in the face when it came to it.
A friend told me that I seem like I'm at a crossroads, and that might be true. I can't keep saying things like this without any actions after the fact.

So one last time: I'm sorry for all the times I've acted less like a leader for this community, and more like an undeserving martyr.
My only real penance here is two-fold: stop that behavior, and start producing things again. I abandoned you guys. It's never been the other way around.

Once I've shown you all some good faith on my part, I hope you will consider spending time here with me again.
Thanks.

bornox

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Re: An Apology
« Reply #1 on: August 27, 2018, 06:15:51 PM »
Dude,

You're awesome.

It shouldn't be on your shoulders alone to keep our little corner alive.  Unfortunately most of us are consumers rather than creators because of our tiny little niche.  I for one am ready to help with contributions in any way that I can.    So let me know what I can do and I have been working on chapter 3 of my story and it seems ok so far!  While it is good that you clarified what is going on you didn't owe it to me or anyone.  Everyone goes through some stuff.  I appreciate all of your creative work that you have done over the years and while we may not know each other on a personal level I feel like I can call you an acquaintance at a minimum and with that there is no apology needed for my end. You put your heart and soul into this place and your artwork and I am always appreciative of what you do and create.  If I can help out at all let me know.

-Bornox

Vestiphile

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Re: An Apology
« Reply #2 on: August 27, 2018, 09:10:39 PM »
Much appreciated, Bornox--but in terms of what I 'owe' here, there's a huge difference between me getting busy & quiet (which is understandable when life gets in the way), and me being petulant and vicious.
No one here deserves the latter, and that's what I recently brought to the table in a couple specific conversations. That's what I was apologizing for.

I do appreciate your support and offer of help, though. I'm trying to be very choosy about our next set of web software to make participation something that's not a chore, and we currently already have a shiny new server waiting for us. I just have to pick the framework, migrate the stuff, and off we go.

And then I have to start writing again--which is really the important part. I'm literally happy about every other facet of my life...family, job, home...shit, I'm even happy with the art I've been up to.
What's missing is wrapping myself into my own world again. My frustrations are all sitting on how little I've written, which is why I was a little bitch about moving the interactive. Jealousy. Literally. Which is silly because ALL I have to do is write, but there you have it. The solution there is the same as the solution to all the other cylinders that have sputtered in the past:

"JUST DO THE WORK, MOTHERFUCKER!"

And I'm glad to hear about your story! I wanna see more. (But in a new thread so we're not adding to this unpleasant but necessary self-correction)